Coping with Another Loss

As I sat there feeling the little life we had created slipping from my grasp, I started pleading with Heavenly Father, "Please don't make me go through this again." I said it over and over and over. Tears started streaming down my face, and I began to sob. 

I later found comfort in the scriptures. "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

As traumatic as this sixth miscarriage is, I understand and accept that it is my burden to bear. We may never know why I keep having miscarriages, but we understand that God has a plan for us and that he hears our prayers. We also lean on the shoulders of our family and friends during this difficult time. We don't expect anyone to fully understand what we are going through--I don't wish that on anyone! But we do need your support to keep moving ahead. 

We cry as we mourn the loss of yet another pregnancy, but we find immense joy in being parents to Grant. He is such a sweet boy, and we are so thankful for him. 

As I reflect on the past year that we have had Grant in our family, I remember the complete happiness that we felt when we made it so far with a successful pregnancy! I am SO grateful that we were blessed to be Grant's parents. While it is difficult at times (mainly between the hours of 12am and 4am), it is so wonderful to watch him learn and grow. 

I know that Jesus Christ suffered for my pain, and that he knows exactly what I'm going through. I know I can be healed through His Atonement and become stronger from this experience. 

10/2/13

I had another ultrasound and it looked great! The sac had grown, and we were able to see the yolk. (Sorry, no pictures--they didn't give me one!) No fetal pole yet, though, so the doctor put me back a few weeks--5 1/2 weeks. I go again for one last ultrasound (at least for a little while...) on Monday. So far, it is looking good, though! Not really many side effects except for excessive tiredness.

Grant has started walking! He is now into pretty much everything. He doesn't like to be held (or pinned down for diaper changes!) unless it's time for bed. He still likes to snuggle with me! I weaned him on the 25th--so we made it almost 11 1/2 months! Let me tell you, breastfeeding is a lot of work! It is something that takes SO much dedication and time, but I am so glad I was able to do it. It was rough in the beginning! I probably had the roughest time of anyone I know, but I think it was worth it. I will definitely nurse the new baby, but I think I will invest in a neck pillow. My neck will never be the same!

9/25/2013

5 Weeks 6 Days

We had an ultrasound today. The doctor wanted to check to make sure there was a sac, and that was all we saw. He was a little concerned that it was so small, but since I only had one cycle, we aren't sure exactly how far along I am. We go on Oct 2 for another ultrasound to (hopefully) see growth in the sac. 

9/21/13

5 Weeks 2 Days

Hi, everyone! It's been a little while since I've posted an update! You will be excited to know that we are EXPECTING again! 

We just found out today (and I am farther along than 3 of the miscarriages!!) and while I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the thought of having 2 children, we are SO excited. A few bumps that we have to get over first, though.

I went to see a doctor last week to mention to him that we wanted to try to get pregnant soon and took him a very detailed sheet of everything that I've been through. If you ask me, the list was WAY too long. He basically told me that we would need to wait until I've completely weaned Grant before we can start actively figuring out what we need to do. 

My sister was recently diagnosed with a few things I need to be tested for, which means those tests need to happen SOON. When I told Grant today that he was going to have a little sister (I'm still hoping...) he smiled really big and started clapping. Maybe he understood me...;)

As of right now, my due date is May 23, 2014. Grant will be 19 months old when this baby arrives. 

No symptoms this week (except I noticed myself saying "I'm so tired." over and over again).

Happenings (with pictures never seen before!)

Howdy y'all! It's been too long since I've updated!

Things are going great around these parts--graduation is nigh and Grant is growing (albeit slowly...more on that later...)! I only have 15 days of school left and Brandon is down to 12. We are so excited to be graduating!! We have not yet decided where we will be moving to for law school, but we should be making that decision shortly. We are still waiting to hear back from a couple schools.

Grant is doing great! We have had a bit of an issue with weight gain, though. At his four month appointment, we found out that he had only gained half a pound since his 2 month appointment. His length was fine as well as his head circumference. But since he hadn't put on the pounds, we had to change the way we were doing things. I have been losing weight pretty consistently since I had Grant, so I upped my fat intake. We were also instructed to add a little bit of formula powder to a bottle of milk (which I was a little reluctant to do, but I agreed...) and the good news is, is that he gained another half a pound in the next two weeks! We had him checked a week and a half later (3/27) and he had gained a little more than half a pound. Luckily we don't have to go back until May for his 6 month check up. I surely hope he has gained a lot of weight by then...

Grant is smiling and giggling a lot for us now. He is so fun to play with and he has such a fun personality. I have decided to switch over to cloth diapers with him. We started yesterday, and so far so good. Obviously I only do it when I'm home, because I'm pretty sure the babysitters won't want to deal with it. We'll see how it goes--I'm hoping it will help save a little bit of money. In reality, it's really not as bad as you might think.

My senior recital went wonderfully! I couldn't have asked for a better performance. I'll post some videos later for those of you wanting to see some of it.

 We just got him a tray and some blocks yesterday!

He loves knocking them down.

 Cute curly toes!

 Here are some smiles!

He is too cute for his own good.

My little burrito is getting old!!

My cute little baby will be 3 months old this week! Everyone always says that time flies, but honestly...I think it has crawled by slowly. I'm glad I have been able to enjoy what I can and not feel like it's rushing by. It's been a very rough 3 months, but I am happy to say I am all the way healed from my surgery and I am back to exclusively breastfeeding, which is awesome!! It was so difficult, especially since about 90% of the people I talked to thought I was crazy for trying to nurse again. But I did it! Yay for me! I am really hoping Grant starts sleeping through the night (or at least for 5 hours at a time) consistently that way I can start to function on a somewhat-normal level. I feel so out of it sometimes!
Grant has started smiling and laughing this past week! Every time he does, I keep telling him what a cute boy he is over and over again. He is!! He is so adorable!! I just can't believe how cute he is. He has also started swatting his toys when we dangle them in front of him and he can stand up on his legs for a few seconds at a time. He can sit in the bumbo for a few minutes and then he'll start to slouch over, but I can tell he is getting a lot stronger. It's so fun to see him discover things! He loves it when we take him around the house and tell him what everything is.
We also think he might be teething. That or some growth spurt has made him cry a lot. Poor baby! It breaks my heart to see him cry. But overall, he is a very happy baby. Being a mom is so much fun! I just wish I could stay home all day with him. I just have to remember I only have about 3 months left and then we will have all day every day together!
We are so excited to be moving in a few short months! We still haven't made a final decision yet, but we are leaning towards Baylor in Texas or Kentucky. There are a couple more options and we're still waiting to hear from a few more schools, so we'll let you know when we decide. But until then, please enjoy some cute pictures of my baby!

He he!

Post-surgery

Warning:
Please do not read if you have a weak stomach.

Wow, what a week! For a few months now, I have really been looking forward to Thanksgiving Break so I can relax, knit, drink hot cocoa, and listen to Christmas music. At least I have been able to listen to Christmas music...
So here's what happened to me...
About a week and a half after Grant was born, I got what felt like a plugged milk duct. Well, I massaged it, kept nursing, and it never got any better. On the 4th I came down with my first fever. It only lasted a day, so we didn't think much of it. I kind of self-diagnosed myself with mastitis since the pain was getting worse, it was turning red, and nursing wasn't helping. I nursed, pumped, massaged, put heat on it, and it didn't get any better. I developed another fever the night of the 11th. By this point I would burst out in tears when I nursed because it was so painful. On the 12th I finally called the doctor and they had me start on an antibiotic right away. They didn't want to see me, they just called in the prescription, because of course it was mastitis, right? Well a week went by and there was absolutely no improvement--in fact, I'm positive it got worse. The pain was so much that I felt like screaming all day. The thought of nursing the baby would make me cringe because now, it felt like the baby had bruised me and that on top of the swelling was no bueno. I called the doctor again on the night of the 25th and he told me I should have called if the antibiotic didn't work after a few days. Well, I learned my lesson. He told me to go to the emergency room, so that's what we did. The doctor there told me it was mastitis and gave me stronger pain medicine and a different antibiotic. They also gave me a shot of something heavenly and I was on top of the world Sunday night. I was feeling really good. Well, my fever came and went and came back on Monday so I just stayed in bed all day. Monday during the night I started puking up all the water I drank during the day. (Ew!) Tuesday came and I had a high fever still. The antibiotic wasn't helping at all. I called the doctor yet again and they said to go back to the emergency room because they thought I might have an abscess since the antibiotics weren't working. So we went at about 4 in the afternoon back to the ER. I was scared for my life...and, well, it hurt so bad I thought I was dying. They did an ultrasound on my chest and sure enough found a big abscess that was fairly deep under the skin. For small abscesses, they can usually just poke you with a needle and get the pus out, but this was too big and too deep for that. They called a surgeon while we stayed in the room for over an hour. The surgeon came in and took a look and his reaction scared me just a little. He was surprised it was so red and swollen. He says he sees these types of abscesses only once or twice a year. So they prepped me for surgery. By this time I was so scared I didn't know what to think. I've never had a surgery before, let alone a surgery where I've been put to sleep. Well I don't remember a lot after that. I woke up in the recovery room and was very cold and I remember asking the anesthesiologist a ton of questions but I don't remember what they were. I eventually got moved up to a regular room and stayed there overnight. I was very sad that we had to start feeding the baby formula. Who knew there could be so many complications from breastfeeding!? I now have a drainage tube sticking out of my chest connected to a bulb with blood, pus, and milk in it. Yeah, you think that's gross? You have no idea!! It's coming out of me!! I think it is extremely gross and I have to clean it out. Anyway, I go back to the surgeon on Monday, when he hopefully will take the tube out so I can feel normal again. I'm not sure if I'll be able to continue breastfeeding at this point. I am still pumping a little bit for the baby right now.
On a happier note, please enjoy this picture of Grant :)